Monday musing: A parent's nightmare

Which would be harder to hear: "Mom, Dad . . . I'm pregnant" or "Mom, Dad . . . years ago I had an abortion because I was afraid to tell you I was pregnant"?

It's not a hypothetical exercise. Given the numbers of teen pregnancies and abortions in this country, for many families it's all too real . . . like the family to which the Garden of Hope recently introduced us.

A young woman called their hotline last week, seeking information about abortion. She thought she'd "quickly and secretly" terminate her pregnancy while on a visit to Grand Rapids. As a college student, having a child would complicate her life, but her greatest challenge would be telling her parents.

We talked for a long time and this dear, sweet girl had no clue about the devastation brought on by the decision to end the life of her child. I assured her that her parents would know something had happened because the sparky, happy young girl that left their house to come to GR would never be back and they would want to know what was happening to their daughter.

As she hung up the phone, she promised to talk to her parents, and the next day she called back to report. Her mom "felt badly" she'd been afraid to talk to them. They support her plan to continue the pregnancy and assure her they'll work out everything together.

Not all parents are this understanding -- some overtly pressure reluctant daughters to get abortions -- but most are mature adults who know how to handle disappointments and setbacks. Parents love their children, have sacrificed much on their behalf already, and genuinely want what's best for them. Young people need encouragement to enlist parental input and not act on mistaken assumptions their parents will "kill" them when they receive bad news.

Still, as Russell Moore cautions in his response to TIME magazine's cover story on how the pro-life side seems to be winning, "It’s easy to identify as 'pro-life' when one sees nothing really at stake." He goes on:

A feminist leader once said that most Americans are pro-life with three exceptions: rape, incest, and “my situation.” When the teenage daughter is pregnant, the theory is abandoned and bloodthirsty pragmatism rules. I fear this feminist is all too right.

Pharaoh was pro-immigrant until the Israelites threatened what he wanted. The first Herod Administration was pro-Messiah until the actual Messiah threatened his throne. The second Herod Administration was fine with desert prophets until one meddled with his “adult entertainment.” Lots of people are pro-life and pro-child until the lives of children become personally inconvenient.

. . . [W]e must have a realistic view about how ingrained the abortion-rights worldview is in our culture.

Yes, in our culture, and in our hearts. As with other temptations, it's well before we face this one that we need to determine what our response will be. If we expect our teens to do the right thing when their backs are to the wall, we also must be firm in our minds how we'll react when they make a mistake.

Most Christian parents are zealous about getting the message of sexual purity across to their teens. The trick is striking a balance between that and the equally biblical message of the sanctity of human life. So that his daughter wouldn't err into thinking abortion was better than coming home pregnant, our president Tom Lothamer repeatedly told her, "If you make a big mistake, like getting pregnant outside marriage, don't run to the world for help. Come home! It's safer. Whatever it is, we'll handle it together."

Truly, grace is greater than all our sin. The challenge is to be "cross-bearing for the child-bearing," as John Ensor writes. "To be a lifesaver, you must do what lifesavers do every day" in pregnancy care centers. In closing, I summarize his points:

1. You must listen and love
2. Lower her fear and increase her hope
3. Amplify the voice of her own moral conscience
4. Inform and educate her
5. Offer your personal help

Related: 

• The Messages We Send Can Prevent Abortion
• In her blog, Growing Up Ziglar, the daughter of the "most positive man on earth" reveals how she made the "devastating choice" not once or twice, but three times. 
• Abortion: A Failure to Communicate
• Abortion: The Least of Three Evils
• Losing Ever Since Roe? — Albert Mohler on the TIME article

Friday feature: Update from Melisa Serata

I wrote about Melisa in our first "Friday feature" back in September. While I hesitate to revisit her ministry of abstinence education in the Philippines since other partner pro-life ministries haven't yet been featured, her news is too good to keep to myself.

It came out rather casually in a Facebook chat last week. I knew she'd been very busy with mission trips and asked how they were going. In the midst of one trip at the time, she said things were going well and mentioned there were some newly trained abstinence teachers.

That statement piqued my interest. I was curious about how many she had trained, imagining it would be a dozen or so. To my surprise and amazement, it's more like dozens! 104, to be exact.

I wondered if they had to raise their own support, as Melisa does, and she said, "Some of them are college students, some of them are married, and some pastors. Most of those who are interested to start, the church is behind it so no need to raise for support."

It's encouraging to learn about this partnership with pastors and others -- a huge development! Gone are the days when Melisa worked alone and was sometimes weary. Well, she still could grow weary because the needs are go great, but rewards of her labor are starting to appear.

One other thing she said was even more exciting: "I was very happy to know that most of the students who heard [the] abstinence [message] are contacting the pastors and now they are attending Bible study. Isn't it great? Thank the Lord!"

Yes, that is wonderful news, because abstinence educators are allowed to share the Gospel as well as God's plan for sex in the public schools, and many students make professions of faith along with pledges to remain sexually pure until marriage. It's good to know these are genuine commitments, reflected in a desire to grow in Christ.

I knew you'd want to hear about that.

Premarital Sex Detrimental to Relationships

Study: Premarital Sex Detrimental to Relationships - Negatively Impacts Intimacy, Commitment, Sexual Satisfaction: Researchers at Cornell University have stated that abstaining from sex at the beginning of a courtship could lead to a healthier relationship. The research also suggested that having sex early on could stunt the growth of key factors from developing within a healthy relationship including "caring and understanding." The study, printed in the Journal of Marriage and Family, revealed that women who put having sex off for over six months were more satisfied with their relationships than those women who waited less time.

"Precocious premarital sexual activities may have lasting effects on relationship quality," researchers said. "Courtship is a time for exploration and decision-making about the relationship, when partners assess compatibility, make commitments and build on emotional and physical intimacy."

A Message from a Bachelor Pastor to His Congregation before His Wedding

The Gospel Coalition: Steve DeWitt has been Senior Pastor at Bethel Church in Crown Point, Indiana for 14 years. At the age of 44, Steve just preached his last sermon as a single man. He offers some important advice for single people:

I want to speak frankly to the matter of sexual purity. I have fought the fight for purity since my first real girlfriend in 10th grade. That is 28 years. It’s hard to believe. As an adult single in the Christian dating scene, it is frightening to see how little concern there generally is about sexual purity. Yet God’s Word makes it clear, God’s will is for our sanctification – that we control our bodies with holiness and honor. If you would have told the 18-year-old me I would still be dating in my 40s, I would have thought, “Well, at least the temptations aren’t as strong. You’re old. You probably don’t even think about it.” I actually think in some ways it’s harder as an adult than as a college student.

In spite of all the struggles and challenges, purity is worth it. After 28 years of battling this, let me share a few lessons I have learned.

Louder than the ‘Silent Scream’: the deafening silence of our pulpits

Louder than the ‘Silent Scream’: the deafening silence of our pulpits | Breakpoint.org: In the months since Rolley Haggard published We Could End Abortion ‘Overnight’—If We Really Wanted To at Breakpoint.org, he's been stunned by "the thunderous silence from evangelical pastors. I’ve gotten loads of feedback from lay evangelicals and Catholics—clergy and laypersons alike—but almost nothing from evangelical ministers. It has left me wondering, 'Do they agree? Do they disagree? Does this register even the slightest flutter on their moral seismograph?'

"So this time I’m explicitly soliciting feedback. Help me understand. You who pastor an evangelical church, what do you think of this 'One-Minute Strategy' to end abortion? It seems to me that to say nothing about it is to say everything."

Editor: For what it's worth, here's why I believe his idea is not coherent -- Is there an overnight solution to abortion?

After reading some of the comments to Haggard's follow-up article, I would add a few thoughts to my original response. I have heard of pastors that speak out against abortion too often, perhaps to the point of trying the patience of their congregation. And no one wants to hear a political "spot" every week. It wouldn't always be appropriate.

We need pastoral leadership on this issue, but in a wholistic manner. There's a problem that no one speaks about -- that of making pregnancy from sexual sin something to cover up. Abortion is the perfect solution if you want to hid your sexual sin. As I said before, all sin stems from the heart, and abortion is tied especially to sexual sin. 

For more, please read these new items on our website:

• The Pro-Life Message
• Pro-Life to the Core
• Compassion Ministries
• Avoiding Abortion
• Preventing Abortion

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How NOT to Respond to Sexual Brokenness

Following on the Renewing Virtue series on love, Breakpoint now examines how love can become disordered, resulting in sexual brokenness. We're offering a branded thumb drive of the series on Sexual Brokenness including additional features that can be used for small groups or Bible studies.

1. When Sex Got a Divorce
2. How Sexual Brokenness Victimizes People

3. How Not to Respond to Sexual Brokenness

Evangelicals Struggle to Address Premarital Sex and Abortion

Evangelicals Struggle to Address Premarital Sex and Abortion - The Daily Beast: "It’s no secret that evangelicals have a big problem on their hands when it comes to young people and sex. The facts are staggering: despite almost universal affirmation that premarital sex is a sin, 80 percent of unmarried evangelicals (PDF) are having it, and 30 percent of those who accidentally get pregnant get an abortion, according to one survey. U.S. states where abstinence is emphasized over contraception in school sex ed—almost all in the heavily evangelical South—have teen-pregnancy rates as high as double (PDF) those of states with a comprehensive curriculum. Though an overwhelming majority believe premarital sex is wrong, white evangelicals are sexually active at a younger age than any demographic besides African-Americans, and are one of the least likely groups to use contraception.

"The fact that true love isn’t waiting has concerned evangelicals for years, but the issue is gaining new attention because such a significant number of Christians' unplanned pregnancies end in abortion. The scramble to address the situation is revealing fault lines over the place of contraception in church practices, giving birth control a new centrality in the largely pill-friendly Protestant domain.

". . . [T]he evangelical temperament is much more progressive than conservative. Despite the public’s idea of evangelicals as stubbornly resistant to change, they have always interacted and evolved in close parallel with the American mainstream. It remains highly unlikely that American evangelical culture in its current incarnation will broadly embrace a lifestyle at odds with the prevailing cultural norms. Evangelicals may claim to believe in abstinence and not to believe in evolution, but premarital sex, later marriage, and occasional abortions will be harder to resist than the limited debates taking place among evangelicals seem aware."

Editor: For what it's worth, I'm not so certain the links provided in the first paragraph prove anything. I skimmed the first one (supposedly substantiating the "80 percent of unmarried evangelicals are having it") and didn't find reference to religious beliefs. May have missed it, but be careful quoting this one.

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Struggling with homosexuality is a paradox; embracing homosexuality a contradiction

Michael Horton, CT: [S]in is not just a behavior. Long before they made any choice about what to do with it, people were predisposed toward same-sex attractions. . . . We reject the Pelagian reduction of sin to an action that one can overcome with enough will-power. We are depraved (warped) in every respect: spiritually, morally, intellectually, volitionally, and physically. . . .[W]e can inherit specific sins—or at least tendencies—of our fathers and mothers. Then add to that the ways in which people are sinned against by the attitudes and behaviors of others, especially in childhood. So even before we actually decide to take that first drink, place that first bet, unleash our first punch, or fool around with our best friend, we are already caught up in the tangled web of solidarity in sin. At the same time, we are responsible for our choices, which reinforce or counter the specific sins toward which we are especially disposed.

There is no reason to think that Christians who struggle with these attractions are any less justified and renewed by God's grace in Christ than are those who wrestle especially with greed or anger or gossip. The gospel frees us to confess our sins without fear of condemnation. Looking to Christ alone for our justification and holiness, we can finally declare war on our indwelling sin because we have peace with God.

If there is no biblical basis for greater condemnation, there is also no scriptural basis for greater laxity in God's judgment of this sin. It is as unloving to hold out hope to those who embrace a homosexual lifestyle as it is to assure idolaters, murderers, adulterers, and thieves that they are safe and secure from all alarm. Nor will it do to say, "Well, we're all idolaters, etc."

Young pro-lifers vow to give up something they enjoy Until Abortion Ends

Young pro-lifers vow to give up something they enjoy Until Abortion Ends | LifeSiteNews.com: They care about the dignity of all human life, especially the dignity of unborn children. They . . . can be found in practically every humble town or great metropolis that spreads across the North American continent. And they have united together under a common cause to deny themselves something they like until the day comes when babies in the womb can no longer be legally killed.

Until Abortion Ends is a movement from a new generation of pro-lifers who are aware of the spiritual merit of personal sacrifice in the battle for the lives of the unborn. . . . The pro-lifers in the group say they believe their sacrifice will make a difference in the fight over the greatest humans rights issue in history.

. . . Founder Marion Jones, age 20, noted that the beauty of the Until Abortion Ends movement is how it has united the pro-life movement in “prayer and sacrifice. As a Christian, I believe in the power of prayer.” The group has received the ridicule of abortion proponents in the liberal media.

Editor: I'm touched by the sincerity and willingness to sacrifice of these young people. It is certainly impressive and humbling. I don't want to come off as critical, but I can't find accord with the idea that personal sacrifice accrues "spiritual merit." If foregoing Facebook or one's iPod results in more prayer for abortion to end, well and good. But is it fasting that makes a prayer more righteous?

I would point them to Isaiah 58-59 for the kind of fasting and prayer that holds God's attention. And I would pray for them to uphold and maintain the power of purity in their own lives and before their peers (1 Thessalonians 4:1-8). 

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Sex and the Seamless Garment

Sex and the Seamless Garment | First Things: Both supporters and critics of the “consistent-ethic-of-life” have made the same mistake Cardinal Bernardin did in his original lecture: limiting the debate to abortion and social justice issues. This ignores the entire dimension of human sexuality, which is so critical to God’s plan for humanity. The same Gospel that calls us to seek peace and help the poor, the sick and the persecuted, also enjoins us to live morally pure lives, and not sin sexually. The consequences of sexual immorality, like neglect of the poor or militarism, are devastating, and profoundly damage our culture and souls.

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Both Chastity and Contraception: A Sacred Compromise?

Both Chastity and Contraception: A Sacred Compromise | Christianity Today | A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction: "Encouraging contraception is hardly the first, best, or only way to respond to premarital sex that may lead to unintended pregnancy, but it is a valuable tool in the abortion reduction toolkit."

Editor: Just as there's no such thing as being "a little bit pregnant," there's no such thing as 99% pure. As one commentator on this article wisely noted (just in case anyone's asking), God's will is clear on this: "Abstain from sexual immorality" (1 Thess. 4:3).

The Church cannot compromise on this biblical issue. We do, and we lose any moral authority we might have. We lose the power of purity. And we mislead people into thinking sin doesn't hurt.

The author begs the questions when she says that the abstinence message has been handed down in a way that stifles conversation or ignores reality. So, okay, let's do a better job presenting the message of purity, but let's not turn "love" into a condom.

Oh, by the way, studies show that contraception doesn't bring the abortion rate down.

Related: 
How can we prevent abortion?
Why churches shouldn't push contraceptives to singles

Planned Parenthood's deadly sea of 'sexualityism'

STOPP - Stop Planned Parenthood - Swimming in what we do not recognize: Planned Parenthood's deadly sea of 'sexualityism': Harvard professor Lant Pritchett explains that sexualityism says that the expression of human sexuality is in and of itself a positive good, and limitations on that expression are in and of themselves bad. The influence of sexualityism upon our culture is profound.

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Homosexuality is ‘less fixed’ than most people think

Homosexuality is ‘less fixed’ than most people think | News | The Christian Institute: Homosexuality is “less fixed” than many people may think, a prominent gay commentator at The Times has said .And while Matthew Parris insisted that he does not think “everyone is alterable” he said that “male sexual orientation is less fixed than we suppose. It may alter. We gays fought that idiotic ‘section 28’ on dishonest grounds. Homosexuality can, as the statute implied, be ‘promoted.’"

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The temptation of Tim Tebow

The temptation of Tim Tebow - Guest Voices - The Washington Post: AshleyMadison.com, a Web site whose sole contribution to the greater cultural good is helping married men and women arrange secret adulterous affairs. You may have heard how Ashley Madison has offered a bounty of $1 million to anyone who can offer proof of having had sex with Tebow, the famously and unapologetically Christian athlete who has publicly declared – because the media have been rude enough to ask him the question – that he is, at age 24 and single, a virgin.

“Sports and sex (and of course, infidelity) go hand in hand,” said AshleyMadison.com founder and CEO Noel Biderman in a news release. “If Mr. Tebow is indeed abstaining from adult relationships, I would encourage him to find a nice lady or two and enjoy his youth and fame as much as possible. We are beyond the days where pre-marital sex has a social stigma, and it is my hope that soon we will also feel the same about infidelity.”

Related: The Real Bounty On Tim Tebow (+ a way to encourage Tim)

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Homosexuality, Christianity, and the Gospel – Part 4

Homosexuality, Christianity, and the Gospel – Part 4: "What should the attitude of the Summit Church be Towards Homosexuals and Homosexuality?" This is the last in a four-part series about homosexuality. The first part was “What Does The Bible Say About Homosexuality?” The second part was “Frequently Asked Questions,” and the third part was “Politically, Should The Church Just Stay Out Of This Issue?”

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Why Churches Shouldn't Push Contraceptives to Their Singles

Christianity Today: Reducing abortion is a noble and urgent goal. This is the wrong way to do it.

Two weeks ago, younger evangelical leaders gathered in Washington D.C. to reflect about the shape Christianity should take in the world. Q . . . is one of the more interesting spots in the evangelical landscape. . . . [C]onference attendees are an interesting cross-section of the evangelical world. Some might be emergent, others might be Reformed, but no one talks much about all that. It's concern about social issues, rather than distinctive theological ones, that attendees seem to gather around. In a breathtaking moment of unity, however, conference attendees affirmed that churches should advocate for contraceptives for the single people in their midst.

The Ugly American — Sex Trafficking and Our National Humiliation

AlbertMohler.com – The Ugly American — Sex Trafficking and Our National Humiliation: When a congressman can admit for us all that women and girls are being forced into the sex trade for a clientele “consisting largely” of American government officials and contractors along with the U.S. military, that problem becomes the responsibility of every American.

American Christians, who understand the incomprehensible scandal and moral horror of sex trafficking must recognize that this is an issue of high moral priority.

We must demand the enforcement of laws meant to protect human beings from being sold into sexual slavery and the vigorous prosecution of those who are engaged in sex trafficking. We must demand that any American involved in such activities be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and that every effort be made to release women and young people from sexual slavery.

Related: Colombia scandal exposes sex trafficking growth
In a Culture Without Virtue, We Have Men Without Chests
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Just 1 Click Away

Just 1 Click Away: Sex and temptation are waiting online just 1 click away, invading our homes and our schools, fighting for the hearts and minds of young people, perhaps even yourself. God, faith, and strong moral values can protect hearts and minds against a slippery downward slope. But we must wake up and act now and instill moral strength in our youth! Truth and facts can set us free. These are also just 1 click away. Begin your journey with the resources on this website; share them with those you love. From Josh McDowell Ministries.

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Time Capsule: Mike Wallace tells truth about homosexuality in 1967 documentary

Time Capsule: Mike Wallace tells truth about homosexuality in 1967 documentary | LifeSiteNews.com: Wallace’s documentary, The Homosexuals, is a frank examination of the self-destructive behavior of sexually-active homosexuals, the underlying psychological causes of their impulses, and their troubling influence on American culture. It also discusses curative therapy for homosexual orientation, which had a success rate in the 1960s of about one third, a result similar to that yielded by modern therapeutic methods.

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The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage

The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage - NYTimes.com: Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect.

. . . [R]esearchers call [it] “sliding, not deciding.” Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope, one not marked by rings or ceremonies or sometimes even a conversation. Couples bypass talking about why they want to live together and what it will mean.

. . . Women are more likely to view cohabitation as a step toward marriage, while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or postpone commitment, and this gender asymmetry is associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment even after the relationship progresses to marriage. One thing men and women do agree on, however, is that their standards for a live-in partner are lower than they are for a spouse.

Founding relationships on convenience or ambiguity can interfere with the process of claiming the people we love. A life built on top of “maybe you’ll do” simply may not feel as dedicated as a life built on top of the “we do” of commitment or marriage.

. . . [T]he most recent research suggests that serial cohabitators, couples with differing levels of commitment and those who use cohabitation as a test are most at risk for poor relationship quality and eventual relationship dissolution. . . . [F]ar from safeguarding against divorce and unhappiness, moving in with someone can increase your chances of making a mistake — or of spending too much time on a mistake.

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